What Is Your Red Wine Personality?

–Originally published in Hellarad Issue 13, under name Rioter’s Block

carmenereIt happens to the best of us. Eventually you find you’re not cut out for brown party liquor benders anymore. Beer goes down way too easy for your metabolism to keep up with, and mixed drinks are just too fucking time consuming and/or expensive. It’s time to admit you need a bev’RAGE with a little less rage in it. Ain’t no shame, man, you’re just boring! Own it! We have. But what now, you ask? What can you drink that will make you hate yourself and your boring life a little less? The answer, my friends, is red wine. Red mother-fucking wine. I know, I know. BUT THERE’RE SO MANY! You’re saying, How do I pick the red wine that’s right for me?

You can put that magic 8 ball down, it won’t tell you anything useful. Just take this quiz and get ready to learn more about yourself than you ever wanted to know.

Oh yeah. It’ll also tell you what red wine to drink.

Question 1:

Your response when you hear maxi dresses are back in style would most likely be:

A) Fuck. No.

B) You mean those dresses fat bitches wear to feel like they’re still at Ren Faire?

C) Yay! I have the perfect strappy sandals.

D) Wait, they were out of style?

E) Is that some kind of menstrual product?

Question 2:

When you’re REALLY hungry you usually crave:

A) Something spicy. Thai, Indian, Mexican, whatever the fuck as long as it’s spicy enough to make me sweat.

B) Souls.

C) Dark Chocolate. It has flavonoids! Just one small piece and I’m set for three days!

D) Donuts. The hole in the center reminds me of the hole in my personality.

E) Dried fruits.

Question 3: Complete the following phrase:

I usually drink___________

A) At home. It’s all I can afford.

B) The blood of virgins. Just kidding! They probably taste like B.O. Gross.

C) Something that goes well with whatever purse I’m carrying.

D) What everyone else is having.

E) As soon as I wake up in the morning.

Now tally it up. Whichever letter you got the most of is your personality. If you got three different letters, just go throw yourself into a box of Franzia Blush.

If you got mostly As, you should drink Carmenere.

You are the overeducated asshole of red wine. Good thing this wine is pretty cheap since you racked up all that debt on a terminal fine arts degree. Maybe you should open up a niche retail shop in the most expensive city in the world. Idiot. Marry someone who can earn a living because you are completely useless.

If you got mostly Bs, you should drink Malbec.

You are the Sigourney Weaver (a la Working Girl) of red wine. Face it, you’re a total bitch. But you’re also the person people turn to when they need a kick in the ass, or a soul-destroying insult to use on someone.

If you got mostly Cs, you should drink Pinot Noir.

You are the stuck up cunt of red wine. You’re either a skinny bitch in your twenties, or you’re dumb enough to wish you still were one. But you usually have great shoes, so people keep you around in case they need to borrow them sometime.

If you got mostly Ds, you should drink Shiraz/Cabernet.

You are the jazz hands of red wine. And not in a funny or ironic way. You’re clingier than those shitty burrs that grow on the beaches in Florida. You should probably move to Florida. No one there will notice how horrible you are.

If you got mostly Es, you should drink top shelf Zinfandel.

You are the weird older aunt of red wine. You ruin every white elephant party by ignoring the spending limit and making everyone else feel awkward about the shitty gift they brought. Clogs make up the larger portion of your shoe collection. People keep you around because they’re still trying to figure out if you’re clueless, or if you just REALLY don’t give a fuck.

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