You always wanted to know: So, what happens when you eat fourteen corn dogs?

First off, you win. Even if the dude next to you–who only ate nine corn dogs–is declared the “official” winner of the contest because of some lame technicality, because beers count as points.

I’m a tripper tapper.

It happens to the best of us. Eventually you find you’re not cut out for brown party liquor benders anymore. Beer goes down way too easy for your metabolism to keep up with, and mixed drinks are just too fucking time consuming and/or expensive…

Dear disappointed eight-year-old on Christmas morning