This exact version of you
Recently you shared again that sometimes you wish me and Dada were still together so you could have us both. I think what you mean when you say that is you wish I was with you all the time, so you won’t have to spend half your days missing me. And Dada could be there, too. I understand how you feel and remember that aching for a mama that wasn’t there and hate that you have to experience that when you would prefer not to.
The other night when we were talking and snuggling before bedtime, so you could feel brave enough to go to sleep alone, I smelled your hair and wondered how many more nights I will have of being able to do that. For now I still get to, and I love that you always say “I love you more” after I say good night and I love you.
Sometimes I wish I could have given you the life where you got to have together parents who could still love each other and a mama that is never not there, but I wonder how different that little together-parent person would have been from my boy that I get to have. Lots of boys have always-there mamas that they never learn to miss. But mostly it breaks my heart to imagine a world where I don’t get to know this exact version of you. You’re my favorite and I’m so proud of how you cope with things that you would prefer were different and I hope you know that wherever we are in the world and however long we have to spend apart I’ll always be looking forward to the next time I get to see you.